Letting Go (of Decluttering Anxiety)

My journey towards a more minimalist lifestyle began between 2012 and 2013— I had just started living in my college dorm room with two other girls and, as I was practicing living in a shared space that was smaller than the solo bedroom I’d had growing up, I was constantly questioning whether or not I actually needed all of the things that I brought with me or whether they were just cluttering my space and my mind. Fast forward to August 2019 through today; I am living abroad and last year I returned to sharing a room and this year I have my own studio apartment, but either way, I do not own many possessions. If I were to pack away all of the things that I own (excluding a small amount of things I have stored in my childhood bedroom) they would fit nicely into a carry-on luggage and 2-3 checked bags. But despite the relatively small number of items that I have with me now, I still encounter a sense of being completely overwhelmed by them.

In a few months’ time I plan to return to the U.S. for 2-3 years. When I made this decision, I felt an immediate sense of control of my life; I recognized that I was doing something for myself that, in a few years’ time would not only leave with several years of relevant work experience, but hopefully financial freedom as well. However, immediately after this sense of control, I began to feel overwhelmed by my things and the question “how do I get all of my things home?” began to rattle around in my mind.

Cue the mental packing frenzy that I engage in whenever I am planning a trip. I imagine my suitcases and the things I want to take with me and I try to visualize how they will all fit into my luggage, how much that luggage will weigh, and, perhaps most importantly, how I will feel schlepping it all through the airport. Needless to say, between my carry-luggage and checked bags I anticipate feeling overwhelmed and irritated, no matter how many times I tell myself that I am literally moving countries. So the next logical step is to decrease what I own so I don’t have to deal with this fiasco.

I already know that some of my items, such as my kitchen supplies and a couple pieces of furniture, will be going to friends when I leave and that, in a pinch, I can discard items that I simply don’t have the space for. Ultimately, discarding some things is not the problem. The problem is that, despite the fact that these tasks and decisions are months away they are already taking up space in my brain..

In order to resolve some of my anxiety surrounding these future decisions, I must ask myself first, what is leading me to feel this way right now. I anticipate feeling overwhelmed in the future because I am feeling a bit overwhelmed right now. As I have already mentioned, I currently live in a studio apartment in the center of the city. I have a closet and a couple nightstands with drawers, as well as some kitchen cabinets, but, anything that doesn’t fit into these storage spaces (which are not as vast as they may seem on paper) are immediately visible. Very little, beyond my clothes and crockery, is out of sight so I am aware of almost every single item that I have in my small space. Furthermore, since I don’t own that much in the first place, I am also very aware of when I am not using all that I have. Whenever I spot something that I haven’t used in a while, a pair of shoes or my watercolors, I begin to feel guilty for not making use of them. Then I wonder about why I would bother transporting them stateside if I don’t use them now. The question is ultimately not “how do I get all of these things home” but rather “are all of these things serving me right now?”

In the remaining time I have in this apartment, I am aware that I have some difficult tasks to undertake. First, I must [continue] reflecting about what is actually important to me and what I want to devote time to. Second, I must assess what I own, what I think I want to take home with me and make myself fully aware of all that I possess and use. With my small number of possessions, this won’t be too difficult— I could literally spread everything out on my bed. But the next part is more challenging. I must assess whether or not my things align with my values and priorities then let go of the things that don’t.

I have done the KonMari method several times over the last few years, usually in times of transition, in order to reassess which of my possessions serve me and which do not. I have read self-help books, journaled, and completed courses that have given me insight into my personal set of values. I am no stranger to this process, but that doesn’t make it any less difficult, especially when, at the end of the line, I must transport everything that remains across an ocean. In order to bolster myself this time around I am reading Fumio Sasaki’s Goodbye Things. His pragmatic, straight forward insights about reflecting on our possessions and what they mean to us have reassured me that I am capable of reassessing what I own and letting go of the things that I only think I want or need, but in reality will not be deprived without them.

In the end, while I certainly have a task ahead of me, I do not need to devote so much energy to stressing about it. Rather, I can take these next few months to reassess and evaluate and slowly move into a position where, even in the midst of a packing frenzy, I feel like I am in control and remain in a calm state of mind. When situations arise in which I must move my things, even if I am initially stressed by the prospect, my years-long minimalism practice allows me to return to a state where my possessions do not have to be the cause of any anxiety. I too, can declutter that emotion because it does not serve me.